i’m thinking about how i’m weeks behind on my readings. he didn’t show up for class yesterday. i wonder how he’s doing. summer me, beautiful, happy summer me. this is an elegy for you. how the world really was your oyster. how everything felt like it was on the cusp of something brilliant. how you woke up happy, and slept at night in peace at least for all of july and a good part of june. june baby. moon baby. he once sent you a photo of him outside shirtless looking at the blood moon or something. you have that picture somewhere. elegy for another day.
summer you lived in the moment. summer you had skin in the game, skin in the game for the future, in another person’s well-being, in your own. fulfillment. you felt fulfilled. and i’m not sure if you ever mistook that for salvation for it wasn’t salvation. salvation is now. salvation is crying at the keyboard after therapy and wondering how things have turned out the way that they have and knowing that you had no part in its undoing except in folding, in turning in your cards, in announcing your loss, in embracing it. we all lost in the end. summer me put all the chips on the table. summer me believed in better outcomes than pessimism. summer me felt in love or something like that, maybe more at the cusp of love. summer me had a person she could depend on. summer me had a partner in crime. summer me was so excited for fall me, right before august. summer me wanted to go camping and have sex in tents in upstate new york. summer me thought she would be whispering secrets to her lover in the classroom. summer me thought she would go to libraries and study with her person. summer me bought chocolates for her lover, his favorite. summer me would have bought boxes and boxes for him as an indulgence, as a sacrifice to the gods even if that were crass. summer me knew no sadness. summer me felt empty at some point at 72nd street station in may but summer me thought it was all in the past after. all the train rides up to 145th. summer me went uptown a lot. summer me lay drenched in humidity, laughed at baseball games, rode bikes but never too far. summer me was so busy. summer me spent her first full summer in new york largely in euphoria, in a tornado of lust and romance. summer me knew summer would end but she didn’t think it would end like this.
summer me, you are capable of so many things. summer me, don’t you cry. summer me, don’t you lament. this is not for you to lament. i will eulogize you in happiness even if i must force it. summer me, i am so sorry what happened in august. summer me, you are not naive, you are not weak. summer me, you are capable of so much. summer me, you deserve so much more than you got. summer me, don’t let one man take away all your shine. don’t waste all your tears on one man who betrayed you. summer me, it’s not naive to trust. summer me, i know it must be so hard to trust again. to baptize yourself in betrayal and fear drowning at every second. oh, summer child, you weren’t naive. summer child, you trusted and someone took advantage of that. summer child, there are better augusts in store. there are better septembers, and octobers, and novembers. summer me, the only ruse you ever pulled was hoping that someone would love you back and that wasn’t a terrible or cruel ruse, not as cruel as the one he pulled on you.
summer me, forgive yourself. don’t be hard on yourself. but at some point you need to walk out of the sadness and back onto the beach. at some point, you must know that there is a life to live, to move forward, to forget, to find salvation, to write a new chapter that is full of hope that you deserve, of happiness, of joy, of health and success, of resilience. of strength. strong summer you. love yourself hard, baby. i’ve said that before. love, love, love yourself the hardest even though there is no muscle memory there. choose yourself, prioritize yourself. think of yourself, nurture yourself, soothe yourself. all your talents are still yours, no one can take them away. if you’re so good at soothing him, you can soothe yourself to healing, to recovery. sunshine still seeps through the clouds on these autumn days.
glowing. that’s what ilana said you looked. glowing.
tenminutethoughts 