i just reread several of my journal entries on wordpress from 2022, and remarked on how i used to be so much more eloquent, so much more thoughtful, whimsical in my writing. there’s a rhythm largely missing now, i talk about things more mundane like tasks, accomplishments, less about how my thoughts used to wander to possibility, to self-understanding, to interrogating my feelings and what i had left unsaid but left me wanting. i turned off my phone, i don’t want to talk to my boyfriend tonight, i think talking to him is suffocating my creativity, even though that sounds so brutal. i find that i am too caught in the present when i chat with him on the phone, i am caught up in the mundane of someone else’s life when i should be focusing on my own. i don’t feel bad about it, because i think my therapist wouldn’t want me to feel bad about it. i need that time for myself. to write, to read, to do other things than talk on the phone for an hour every night that leaves me usually more exhausted than before.
i have been feeling empty, restless but not restless enough to merit changing things in my life. i wish i were prettier, thinner. i still need to lose weight from when i gained a ton in the fall and into january, but i’ve been enjoying food, i’ve been eating too much. worst of all, i learned to make good food that involves a lot of mayo and it has sabotaged my diet in the most deliciously terrifying manner. it was nice doing yoga from home, thanks to the last minute cancellation of the cardio dance class i typically go to. i feel more relaxed, ready to start tomorrow with a run, maybe if i wake up early enough i can even go downtown although that seems like a pipe dream given my track record over the past few months.
i have felt dormant, uneasy, unproductive. i feel like i am amounting to nothing more than someone who goes to work and is in a relationship and really fucking hate it. i want so much more out of life. i also feel so unhappy. i disagree with my boyfriend that i think i would be much happier if i earned more money and my lifestyle would change. I actually feel like I should withhold more from my boyfriend because I think I should work out my feelings around it and not consult a second opinion. If anything, I fell extremely drained of my creativity, of any type of passion. I think part of that was from the breakup from 2022, which I really think changed me semi-permanently, if not semi-permanently than it caused enough mental damage that I have not healed even over a year later.
tenminutethoughts 