i’m sitting here with a warm fragrant candle beside me, the heater on, and a magazine huddle to my chest, and i am in the mood to write.

there was a strange boy in my dream, and i loved him. and maybe i have these dreams because of the book that i had just finished. maybe one day i will meet him. or maybe one day you’ll come back. and tell me where i went wrong and give me a second chance. it’s so much to ask, i know. but I’m trying to dream big.

sadness is aging me. and it’s difficult… i don’t know if this sadness is superficial. i just feel like i’m leading this ordinary life when i’m more than that. i feel like i could do better. i feel like i am invincible but haven’t dared to test that out.

there are so many words i have left unsaid, so how do i go collecting them now? they’ve fallen into the air, been carried away by breaths sucked in, and cries heard out loud. they are scattered and everywhere like the strands of hair that have left my head and now occupy these streets, these trees, this water, this world.

tell me how to find myself.

after olivia gatwood

I bought her book and absolutely loved it.  So I wanted to try my own fingers at crafting a poem, an ode. An ode for something about which I should feel ashamed.

This is an ode to falling in love too easily.

I want to write an ode to all the times
that my friends said I fall in love too easily.
Told me that love shouldn’t be held so loosely,
like a drunk New Years toast with a stranger,
like a genuine smile flashed at passerbys.

Michaela says that I am 24 and I should know better.
You are so young, she says,
why would you choose one so early
when you could browse so many more with the swipe of a finger?
Lynn says that I am a dreamer,
unrealistic in what boys this age want,
fantasising about a type of love that no longer exists.
And Rachel?
Well Rachel thinks I am pathetic,
because I try to find patterns in a world of entropy,
I want something to tell me this was meant to be.

But what Michaela, Lynn, and Rachel don’t get
is that some of us want to watch our own demise.
To ride bikes around the neighborhood in 2 km loops
thinking of everything and nothing at the same time.
To shed tears early to start the early onset
lines on our face that will undeniably appear with time.
We want to fall out of love
so that afterwards we understand what we have lost.

There is nothing quite like going on a walk alone
that never feels that lonely,
because every man in a plaid dress shirt reminds me of him,
the poster for that festival reminds me of his stories,
the cologne on the man in front of me reminds me of his scent,
the sound of playing frisbee at the park reminds me of his laugh,
and every loose shoelace is just another promise undone.

Halfway through this poem,
I realize this is no ode
to falling in love to easily.
Instead, this is an ode to falling in love with you.

And to tell my friends that they were right,
I was young,
I was a dreamer,
and you were everything I needed,
at the right time, at the right place,
to tell me that I had made a grave mistake.

Placing my heart in your palm
was a dangerous task
and I was a fool in flying colors.
And I was stupid, yes.
I could have saved myself months of grief.
I shouldn’t have ever fallen in love with you,
I didn’t have to be that naive.

But then where would this ode have been?
What’s a shoelace if it can’t be retied?
What’s a heart if it can’t keep beating?
What’s a memory if it never happened at all?

advice from jan 16, 2016

  1. Think about what value do you bring to others? as opposed to “what value does this person have for me?”
  2. look into what are THEY passionate about? And follow up about it!
  3. Never force relationships.
  4. Work hard at what I’m doing now
  5. Get recognized for being a hard worker and a good person.

ten things i learned this past week

1. in venting, i’m looking from strength not sympathy. i heard this from a woman standing in line behind me for the bus, and it resonated with me. and i find that i always feel guilty complaining about my life or disclosing something that has upset me, and for the longest time, i always felt like i had to follow up with a “i’m sorry for venting” disclaimer to my friends, when really, that small phrase puts everythign into perspective.  that woman looked uncannily like Jayme Dee and she seemed so wise, and I wish I had spoken to her more.

2. Travelling has made me more appreciative of my city and of my life. it’s not perfect… my life is not perfect. not at all and this fact has been a great source of my frustration. but i… I somehow learned to love what I have through my visit elsewhere.  That I am here, I have stability, I have a life I can carve here to make my own.  I don’t know if I want to stay here forever, but I know that right now, I need to live in the moment and appreciate it for what it is

3. Life has been a whirlwind and i’m finding it hard to fully understand it. and i have headstrong and maybe it’s a weakness but it’s also a strength. and i will plough through this adversity. maybe i won’t come out of this whole, but i’ll come out of it. and i will become resilient, i will repair myself, i will become stronger.

4. I don’t know how i ended up here in my life but i’m determined to get out of this hole and get to the top.  I am not complacent and not being happy with where you are in life is not necessarily some character flaw like all these hedonist viral articles on Facebook always hark.  I expect more from myself, I know I can do better.  And I won’t stand here enjoying this view when I know it could be more beautiful.  I will not settle.

5. I still haven’t figured him out. I still think about him despite the months that have passed.  And I’m not sure why I still care.  I have tried to find this… these answers… but to no avail. I miss him.  I am afraid of the person that I am when I think about him.  Is that odd? Is that scary?

6. Growing up and aging has been taking a toll.  It’s hard.  You can’t control it but you want to slow the hands of time, even reverse it sometimes.  Oh the things I could have told myself.  Oh the things I would have done differently.  I don’t regret anything you see, but there are so many things that I would have done differently.

7. This world does not accommodate American Dreams.  There is privilege unspoken and it permeates everything.

8. I want to write more. I love poetry. I wish I knew more formal teachings of poetry.

9. I want to travel yet I need to save money. And it’s funny how I haven’t seemed to navigate the lines of whether I value material things over experiences or the other way around.

10. The world loses some of its lustre as you get older.