i’ve always had a feeling that i will end up in that city. It’s odd… it’s like I can visualize those moments, I can feel them. It’s like I’m there. Only not right now. But I have no idea how I end up there.
Here’s to the adventure. Maybe that will be my next goal: get to Point B.
and for some reason i remembered, i thought about it, i thought about what you were doing that moment then. I don’t know what I thought you were doing… but knew you were probably at school, maybe getting drunk. I don’t know. I didn’t keep tabs on the time difference.
It’s been 10 years since it happened. an entire decade. about a month into the next decade… and i… i wish there was more to say than the fact that i haven’t spoken to you since. I don’t know if I would have done it any differently… how can you know?
I… I am at a loss of words. I don’t know what I want to say to you, but I hope if I ever run into you, I would say something. I think I’d have to. Just because it’s been so long and no rights will ever correct my wrong, but I… I’d want to come clean. I’d want to tell you sorry directly, in person. I… I am not the person I was 10 years ago, but in some ways I am. And I’m not sure if the person I met 11 years ago even resembles the person I knew to any degree, but I hope you are… I hope you haven’t forgotten the past, all the words you typed out and all the words you read, all the drama between friends, and most of all, how everything turned out all right in the end.
Because we all go to bed thinking we’re never going to be good enough. It’s that nagging sentiment in each of our heads and it never quite goes away. But I… I… I… believe that you are stronger than the rest of us. But I hope you didn’t get over it by forgetting. I… hope you had a great birthday. I don’t wish I had been there. Not at all. I have never wished that. And I don’t want to give too much away in this blog post, because in some ways this is my deepest, darkest secret. It’s not scandalous. It’s not worthy of a novel deal and a spin-off movie… but I guess I have never forgiven myself for what happened. And I will never forget.
i’ve been posting a lot but i don’t think i’ve fully expressed myself. so i’m actually going to type for 10 minutes because i need something to keep me sane. and i keep thinking of other things i should be doing… but no, no, this is a moment for me to keep typing, to put all my thoughts to keys.
I like him. I feel comfortable around him. Like I don’t have to impress, I can be myself. I feel like I’m writing my own little teen lit novel now but I can’t help it. I don’t know what I want out of this… like something long term or not. I guess… and ugh I just deleted a good chunk because I thought it would be too revealing.
i put my hands together like a prayer
can’t help but think/need a God out there sometimes