i’ve always had a feeling that i will end up in that city. It’s odd… it’s like I can visualize those moments, I can feel them. It’s like I’m there. Only not right now. But I have no idea how I end up there.

Here’s to the adventure. Maybe that will be my next goal: get to Point B.

it was your birthday the other day

and for some reason i remembered, i thought about it, i thought about what you were doing that moment then. I don’t know what I thought you were doing… but knew you were probably at school, maybe getting drunk. I don’t know. I didn’t keep tabs on the time difference.

It’s been 10 years since it happened. an entire decade. about a month into the next decade… and i… i wish there was more to say than the fact that i haven’t spoken to you since. I don’t know if I would have done it any differently… how can you know?

I… I am at a loss of words. I don’t know what I want to say to you, but I hope if I ever run into you, I would say something. I think I’d have to. Just because it’s been so long and no rights will ever correct my wrong, but I… I’d want to come clean. I’d want to tell you sorry directly, in person. I… I am not the person I was 10 years ago, but in some ways I am. And I’m not sure if the person I met 11 years ago even resembles the person I knew to any degree, but I hope you are… I hope you haven’t forgotten the past, all the words you typed out and all the words you read, all the drama between friends, and most of all, how everything turned out all right in the end.

Because we all go to bed thinking we’re never going to be good enough. It’s that nagging sentiment in each of our heads and it never quite goes away. But I… I… I… believe that you are stronger than the rest of us. But I hope you didn’t get over it by forgetting. I… hope you had a great birthday. I don’t wish I had been there. Not at all. I have never wished that. And I don’t want to give too much away in this blog post, because in some ways this is my deepest, darkest secret. It’s not scandalous. It’s not worthy of a novel deal and a spin-off movie… but I guess I have never forgiven myself for what happened. And I will never forget.

Happy Birthday.

i’ve been posting a lot but i don’t think i’ve fully expressed myself. so i’m actually going to type for 10 minutes because i need something to keep me sane. and i keep thinking of other things i should be doing… but no, no, this is a moment for me to keep typing, to put all my thoughts to keys.

I like him. I feel comfortable around him. Like I don’t have to impress, I can be myself. I feel like I’m writing my own little teen lit novel now but I can’t help it. I don’t know what I want out of this… like something long term or not. I guess… and ugh I just deleted a good chunk because I thought it would be too revealing.

10 thoughts that have passed through my mind in the last 24 hours

  1. I learned a new word: ensorcelled.  It’s to be enamored, to fall in love almost. It reminds me of the word sorcery. I think it’s elegant, beautiful. I don’t know when I would ever use it. But I like it.  Maybe people get ensorcelled about odd things or people when we’re younger and more naive? I feel like I’ve got not rose colored sunglasses perched on my head to bring over my eyes and look at the world like that again.
  2. I’ve outgrown you. The person who fell for love you is far away; I feel like she wouldn’t even recognize me if I passed by on a street.  But you have remained a version of yourself that fits into your little sphere. You don’t dare dream big, even if you talk like it.
  3. I think my favorite season is autumn. I’ve always been excited about going back to school, but I think it’s the season that I love. It’s not too warm, just cool. Not cold yet. It feels like something is changing. It doesn’t get muggy, too cold. You have your latte in hand, you go to the coffee chat. You sit down by a fake fire. You breathe. You go into libraries, you wander the world in your head. You want to do these menial, pointless, cheesy things because maybe it’s the weather, something in the air, I don’t know.
  4. I wasn’t crazy. All those things you did… I wasn’t crazy, I wasn’t stupidly hopeful, I wasn’t crazy, I wasn’t crazy. You just played me like a puppeteer. Thank you. So much. I don’t know where I’d be today if it weren’t for you.
  5. I don’t know if I like him. I don’t know if he’s good. I don’t know if I’m a good person. I don’t know where I’d like to travel. I don’t know what the future brings. I don’t know how to break it to them. I don’t know how to run fast enough, consistently enough. I don’t know.
  6. I’m glad I left. I don’t regret it one bit. I meant everything I said to her in the Tavern with two mid-day cocktails in my system.
  7. I want to run away some days. Like leave everything behind and go somewhere tropical and lay low. Or work on a cruise ship for a year. I want to do that thing that I’d always wanted to do: leave my life behind.
  8. I’m not sure if I miss her. I think what scares me the most is whether I should.
  9. I don’t know if you can ever feel like you’re good enough, that you’re enough, that your entire life is perfect the way it is even if it isn’t everything you wanted. I don’t know if I can look back at everything and face it and tell myself that everything is going to be okay.
  10. Because one time I thought things were alright, and I felt like that was when I started falling.