teach me how

Teach me how to forgive myself
because I always seem to come up short.
Know that my bitterness turned everything sour,
drove you away,
let you down.
And I beat myself over it over and over again.

Teach me how to be the bigger person
because the grief still swallows me whole.
I remember the littlest things,
scold myself over the most minute details.
Always mourn in 140 characters.
I haven’t moved on.

Teach me how to write a better poem,
one with seemingly more epiphanies
than the rehashing of my regrets.
Line by line
word for word
week by week.

Teach me how to find closure
as I repeatedly lay my heart out for all to see.
I want to be happy,
want to become the potential you saw in me.
I want to swallow my pride hard enough
that I don’t have to write another poem about you.

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i’ve given up

i had wandered into the woods

looking to find myself

hoping to find closure for this wound that’s bigger than my body

ethereal in its teachings but i now i stand here and wander

no longer looking for a way out

no longer looking to be the bigger person.

 

like i’m taking the loss,

like it makes no sense

that i should learn to move on,

learn to let go,

learn to be calm,

suppress the anger.

 

but the world already makes no sense

choosing for a bleak future instead of the right one

where hate perverts everything holy, everything kind

and i’m ready to join them.

 

because i am helpless,

i am overwhelmed

i am just so fucking tired of this shit.

 

i am so tired of constantly being the bigger person,

i’m tired of making excuses for you.

i’m so tired of trying to be optimistic

when the writing is on the wall that this won’t end well.

because i can’t end well

i can’t sleep well,

you come back in my dreams and God do I miss you more than I will ever, ever admit

 

I am so tired of cleaning up after your mess

I am so tired of taking some of the blame so you don’t feel so alone

I’m tired of carrying this burden simply because you glanced at me as you tried to take it off your shoulder.

 

I’m just so tired of trying to please everyone,

tired of acting eager to resolve my flaws when they are apart of me.

I’m so tired of this convoluted reality where I’m the star

no fans who dote on me

just spectators waiting for me to slip up.

 

so now i just want to sit under this canopy

all shade, sparse light

listening to the wind brush the leaves

the air weave through the twigs

basking in my tired, my sad, my exhausted, all of my emotions

catching the quiet in my palm

breathing out only what i choose to

lying on the ground

letting the leaves sweep me under

growing roots wander curiously around my limbo

 

slowly, slowly i’ll let go.

moving on ain’t easy

just messy.

 

crash.

hit the pavement

it hurts so bad i couldn’t possibly hit the ground running

lay there

breathe in

breath out

repeat

repeat.

 

maybe someday

i’ll get up

with bloody knees,

a heart so heavy

i feel like i’ll never recover

but still i lift myself back up.

i fell for you so badly

all i had wanted was to feel

and now i’m wearing my heart all over my sleeve,

got everything i wished for,

but didn’t get to keep any of it.

i still have problems digesting this

it’s been almost three months. I can’t… I can’t make sense of all of it yet. I don’t know why… I don’t… know… I can’t wrap my head around it.  I don’t understand why it hurts this much, why it angers me this much, why it makes me so sad…

to see you move on so quickly, to forget me before i’ve forgotten you.  because it hurts so much, feeling like I have lost, like I have both lost this game but I have also lost everything.  Like I don’t know what is around the corner for me in my life, like I have all these aspirations and I am so excited to explore them, and I am so driven to do something, but my thoughts always come back to you.  My thoughts always come back to how your life is so much better than mine, that you have it all, that your worries are so negligible in the grand scheme of things.

I just… I don’t miss you.  I was right about that,s funnily. I don’t miss you, but I have been very sad.  Your absence has been so loud, this silence can’t be drowned out.  No one ever talks about you anymore, there are no more hallways to bump into you anymore, and it makes me so sad.  It is so sombre for some weird reason that I still can’t quite pinpoint.

You had me wrapped around your finger, if you had only known.

Were you fishing?

Had you wanted to see AR with me?