i had wandered into the woods
looking to find myself
hoping to find closure for this wound that’s bigger than my body
ethereal in its teachings but i now i stand here and wander
no longer looking for a way out
no longer looking to be the bigger person.
like i’m taking the loss,
like it makes no sense
that i should learn to move on,
learn to let go,
learn to be calm,
suppress the anger.
but the world already makes no sense
choosing for a bleak future instead of the right one
where hate perverts everything holy, everything kind
and i’m ready to join them.
because i am helpless,
i am overwhelmed
i am just so fucking tired of this shit.
i am so tired of constantly being the bigger person,
i’m tired of making excuses for you.
i’m so tired of trying to be optimistic
when the writing is on the wall that this won’t end well.
because i can’t end well
i can’t sleep well,
you come back in my dreams and God do I miss you more than I will ever, ever admit
I am so tired of cleaning up after your mess
I am so tired of taking some of the blame so you don’t feel so alone
I’m tired of carrying this burden simply because you glanced at me as you tried to take it off your shoulder.
I’m just so tired of trying to please everyone,
tired of acting eager to resolve my flaws when they are apart of me.
I’m so tired of this convoluted reality where I’m the star
no fans who dote on me
just spectators waiting for me to slip up.
so now i just want to sit under this canopy
all shade, sparse light
listening to the wind brush the leaves
the air weave through the twigs
basking in my tired, my sad, my exhausted, all of my emotions
catching the quiet in my palm
breathing out only what i choose to
lying on the ground
letting the leaves sweep me under
growing roots wander curiously around my limbo
slowly, slowly i’ll let go.
moving on ain’t easy