ten minute thoughts on what i’d be like as an influencer

well the first thing you need to know is that i would be the most frustrating influencer. always paranoid, and justly so, about how my likeness or my self could be co-opted for AI, I would never show my face, I would change my voice, I would never film in my immediate neighborhood. Second of all, I would gatekeep for the hell of it, sprinkling crumbs when I thought the masses were hungry and desperate enough, but keeping the lion’s share for myself.

favorite mocktail: cherry ginger spritz

favorite dish to make: things that remind me of home. and sichuan cucumber salad potentially. that’s high up there.

favorite dish to eat out: how could i even answer this? you want a dish, and i can only give you memories, meandering memories and references to dishes i’ve had and all the anecdotes that come with it. i used to love bone marrow you see, but then something happened one sunday afternoon in 2022. and the ones i had were also too salty and it’s been ruined for me. i love a good truffle mafalde. how could i turn down a good steak? one of the best meals I ever had was at chiltern firehouse, i still think about it. i have fallen into a deep depression where even the most vapid gastronomic joys that someone who has lived in new york for fewer than five years indulges in are but places i hear about in passing and have no interest in trying. i am sad. i am empty. i am envious.

best purchase this year so far: oh where to start. i have bought 4 things. i got high-quality suede shorts for 95% off and i’ve already worn them twice to the office since they are a good length, stylish, and understated. second would have to be the marc jacobs cardigan i’ve pined over since i was 13; spotted it on poshmark, negotiated like hell with the seller. bought it for under $100 but still more than $20. still a win, since I wanted it for nostalgic reasons.

when do you throw out pants? I ordered a new pair of jeans in part because i have 2 pairs of jeans with growing holes in crotch.

ten minute thoughts on metaphors and things

i went to campus today to see what has been happening. fixed my bike, only to find out there are other things i need to fix. crack open the bearings and count them, add the missing one. $30, they said. new seat cover probably, or new saddle. $30 to $70, depending on who i want to be, someone comfortable or not. money can buy a lot. it can buy me french classes, a trip home, a trip to europe so i can brag about how i am a different shade of myself, a reinvention of myself. some girl next to me at the Tables told her friends she was considering transferring to USC for her bimbofication and I hope she goes, because i am one of those reasons that you hold onto evil eyes, perhaps. maybe. who is to say. sometimes you have to keep them guessing. resentment is a powerful thing, brooding is terrifyingly uncomfortable, especially in this climate. on another note, my boyfriend says taylor swift doesn’t know how to write metaphors, she only sings in the literal. i can agree, i suppose. she only has a high school education after all. sometimes it feels like i’ve let all the cards scatter down the stairs, i’m in my ball gown and all the onlookers are waiting, and i’m about to do my last party trick where they all guess how far i can tumble in one fell swoop of my body. i light my voluspa candle that i’ve wanted to rid myself of. i’ve spent the last few years shedding everything i once pined for to become the shell that i am now.

i miss my boyfriend even though the last time i saw him was several hours ago. i miss who i used to be a lot, the busy body, the griever, a man granted me the role of Beautiful, Devastating Martyr and I played my part so, so well. it’s really a shame that in the process of going method, i’ve lost it. i’ve really lost it. i can’t really concentrate on anything, i’ve given up in some ways. in others, i have accepted the worst outcomes. i don’t plan as well as i used to. i’ve been ignoring texts, forgetting texts. i miss my friends. i rarely ever see my friends. i have become inured to that, i’ve accepted the isolation. i make some half-hearted attempts at reaching out but i’ve lost it, you see. i must have dropped it casually somewhere out in the pelouse of healing, and lost it there. now i am accepting my fate, my defeat. i’ve lost the part! who am i now?

i’ve been reading: I’m reading The Hours right now. I also read the profile of Miuccia Prada in Vogue and how she is left-leaning, how she thinks a lot about her legacy as she nears her swan song, but her new “legacy” in founding and managing the Prada Institute feels like a vanity project. how many transcendent art exhibitions do we need until we are full, we are healed, we are enlightened and i haven’t lost it anymore? i’m in my miu miu era style-wise, i’m in limbo everywhere else. carry me to my jia tolentino era or something, goodness!

ten minute thought on who i am and who i want to be this year

i’ll tell you a few facts about myself: i’m making roasted asparagus and pasta with the month-old remains of my kraft dinner cheese packet, disgusting to no one, frankly, because i’m the only one in this expansive kitchen that i call mine for now. i am compelled, almost obligated to finish leftovers in my fridge at the mortal risk of nothing but my anxious self-discipline. i load my pasta up with butter and that is not a sin, but when i tell you i’m lactose intolerant, know that that, love, is a curse. i self-flagellate, i’ve changed my mind, i am a woman with 70 potential hobbies and ever-growing burdens. i was a bad cook until late, until perhaps a few months ago. i think about pasta dishes i’d botched in the past and it makes me cringe. i learned how to make egg salad and tuna salad and tuna pasta salad in the last three months, and it’s all i ate for a month until i had a reckoning with the bottom of my mayonnaise jar. i just went to a children’s book writing and publishing workshop an hour ago and i left with the silent self-acknowledgement that i’m a good writer in waves: it surges with impending heartbreak, and crests when i’ve been wrung dry, heaving, exhausted, accepting a bargain with myself that my healing isn’t done but i want to raise the card anyway. i am clumsy: i get food on all my clothes. i don’t know how to love, but i try so hard to do that. i could never write a children’s book, i don’t think, because i write like someone who has too much to prove.

where the 10 minutes start:

i’m supposed to start learning french this year. that’s my goal. i’ve signed up for the trial class and i’ve been practicing out loud on the sidewalk, on the subway, wherever a woman can walk and stand and sit all my herself, i’ve done it. i have a project to do, personal projects. i dropped $70 flowers because a girl i’m envious of bought flowers, and i wanted to be like her. i told the shop girl that i didn’t know any of names of the flowers and would she tell if i pointed at them? i left with a blue hydrangea, a few calla lilies, some roses, and no tip because i’m being more critical of tipping for things that shouldn’t require it. petty lies where petty gives. i have been thinking a lot about cancel culture, and being a millennial, and who i am, and who i want to be.

i want to have hobbies that develop me: I want to work on my own projects. that’s why i want to speak french better. i want to continue to cook better. i want to save a lot of money and be financial independent and secure. i want to get promoted, i want a lucrative job. i want a meaningful job. i want a challenging job. i want a job that is secure, that makes me happy to go to work and work on challenges. i have all these goals and i feel like so little time because i always feel like the future is collapsing onto present me.

ten minute thought on… a lot

i just reread several of my journal entries on wordpress from 2022, and remarked on how i used to be so much more eloquent, so much more thoughtful, whimsical in my writing. there’s a rhythm largely missing now, i talk about things more mundane like tasks, accomplishments, less about how my thoughts used to wander to possibility, to self-understanding, to interrogating my feelings and what i had left unsaid but left me wanting. i turned off my phone, i don’t want to talk to my boyfriend tonight, i think talking to him is suffocating my creativity, even though that sounds so brutal. i find that i am too caught in the present when i chat with him on the phone, i am caught up in the mundane of someone else’s life when i should be focusing on my own. i don’t feel bad about it, because i think my therapist wouldn’t want me to feel bad about it. i need that time for myself. to write, to read, to do other things than talk on the phone for an hour every night that leaves me usually more exhausted than before.

i have been feeling empty, restless but not restless enough to merit changing things in my life. i wish i were prettier, thinner. i still need to lose weight from when i gained a ton in the fall and into january, but i’ve been enjoying food, i’ve been eating too much. worst of all, i learned to make good food that involves a lot of mayo and it has sabotaged my diet in the most deliciously terrifying manner. it was nice doing yoga from home, thanks to the last minute cancellation of the cardio dance class i typically go to. i feel more relaxed, ready to start tomorrow with a run, maybe if i wake up early enough i can even go downtown although that seems like a pipe dream given my track record over the past few months.

i have felt dormant, uneasy, unproductive. i feel like i am amounting to nothing more than someone who goes to work and is in a relationship and really fucking hate it. i want so much more out of life. i also feel so unhappy. i disagree with my boyfriend that i think i would be much happier if i earned more money and my lifestyle would change. I actually feel like I should withhold more from my boyfriend because I think I should work out my feelings around it and not consult a second opinion. If anything, I fell extremely drained of my creativity, of any type of passion. I think part of that was from the breakup from 2022, which I really think changed me semi-permanently, if not semi-permanently than it caused enough mental damage that I have not healed even over a year later.

i find myself trying to gate keep a city

i find myself trying to gate keep a city
as if i'm the only expat who can live
in a town of millions.
it's dirty i say, you'll miss all you friends,
i list out the excuses i'll give
if she ever asks a penny for my thoughts
while i'm popping some leftovers
in the microwave and
wondering if i'll ever be rich here.

i left my friends behind,
it's been almost three years
since i planned and executed
my exodus academic.
i guess i've lived, survived despite,
but it still bears loneliness.
the american state of mind
is alien, bitter on my tongue
still.

sometimes i wonder why i've stayed,
you know, why i haven't bid
goodbye to all that?
there is a charm here, i suppose.
it is beautiful here,
a dilapidated grit that i've always admired.
i am always trying to survive in a way
that i didn't really cherish
that i took for granted
that left me wanting
when i used to live elsewhere.

i think of the boy who remarked
that my poems don't rhyme,
that free verse is lazy,
and broke my heart
within a three month span.
it was the most devastating betrayal
and it could have only happened here.

the way to make money here
is in finance or tech and
i don't work in either.
the girls also dress nice
depending on the time of day
and which one-way street
you find yourself,
but i leave all three boxes
unchecked
and even more,
you know: combinatorics.

girl lovely, Girl Lite
girl dressed in white
i wish i could be a version
of myself who was a version of you
who felt alive in this city,
who felt curious about everything
again, who found purpose again,
who loved herself as much
as her boyfriend loves her.

girl lovely,
girl gold,
girl with the most beautiful
bridal shower photos
you would love it here
because you don't know
what it's like to live here.

i feel very uneasy

i just needed to write. i feel like my head feels so jumbled, like i haven’t had enough time to reflect. i’ve certainly had the time/opportunity to do so but i squandered all of it scrolling through reddit and looking up personal finance stuff. speaking of which, i think i’ll get to like $3000 in my 2023 contributions for my Roth IRA, which I’m very excited about! I am feeling slightly better about my finances, but it also means that I have to be super strict with my budget to meet that. i think i’m kind of unhappy about my budget, but i can’t have it all. i feel anxious all the time.

i was in therapy today and we talked about why i hadn’t applied for the BF job. i think i am trying to think of my 2 year plan and i am getting nervous. rejection has really hurt me, it hasn’t made me writhe in pain, but now i am scarred. i am so tired of being disappointed. i want to spend some time on my portfolio. i would like to start a medium blog or something and try to cater to a lot of different interests like my writing, trying to get my foot in the door with AI tech policy, and showing off my technical skillset. i need to come up with a plan. maybe that i would like to start on a project soon around Bayesian stats. and maybe i should also learn how people are building models on top of chat gpt so that i can talk about it. would hopefully lead to networking opportunities etc. my gears are turning around how i might get board positions and opportunities in the future. i am feeling very uneasy about my path forward. i want a clear path, i feel sick when i don’t because i feel like i am lost at sea. i need to get serious about doing stuff outside of work. i also feel like i need to get my weight down. i notice it in my stomach area, how i’ve gained weight and i hate it. i sometimes wonder if hanging out with my boyfriend is taking time away from the projects i could be doing.

ten minute thoughts on this timeline out of so many

i’ve always thought that where my story erred was when i took the consulting job. there’s something about where things went with my life after that, like things stagnated. i lived between worlds, literally: i had my home life when i wasn’t working, and i would travel across a country when i was working. my whole life went on hold. i didn’t volunteer anymore, there wasn’t any time to have a crush, to fantasize about men that could have been. i suppose i read, i wrote. basically, i just grieved an unrequited relationship for three years.

i really don’t think that timeline was supposed to be for me, like it wasn’t my destiny, but i took the job. i paused everything, i grew bitter and unhappy and restless, determined to get out and i had one way out that i really wanted. i spent years essentially preparing for school, for an impending move. i had nothing to lose at that point, because it was the status quo or change. i spent a lot of time at Pilot Coffee Ossington, an insane amount of time, an experience that I’ll never get back and that others will never capture, those months just before Covid hit and I would drive down to Ossington by 8 AM to take advantage of free parking until noon so that I could study for my GRE and write and edit my essays. I invested years in preparing myself for who I wanted to be: I was going to be a girl who went to grad school, I was going to move, I was going to pivot fields.

I did it in the end! Not on the timeline I had anticipated, but I have maintained that it was God’s plan, it really was. He was looking out for me, he bought me a year and a half to recover from pain, embarrassment of being passed over for promotion, to recoup, to save up for school, to apply for scholarships and learn the game, to feel optimistic for the future, to be excited for what was to come, to feel like change was imminent and I would embrace it. I was ready to reinvent myself, per the pin that J gave me. And I do feel that way. I reinvented myself.

But I still think that if I hadn’t taken the consulting job, my life would have been very different. Who knows if for better or worse, it’s so hard to tell. But I think the person I was at home would have been more present, I would have more time to reflect. Flying all the time suspended my mental state, I always had an excuse to not examine my life.

Everything has changed since then, since what I might call this period of my life where I was in two places at once, but never moving forward. The pandemic, stay at home orders, were largely good things that happened to me. Obviously the gym was a loss, a huge loss. The coffee shop too. But I liked being at home, I spent a lot of much needed time to reflect, to confront myself and my flaws, to right my course, to figure out myself and my plans. I realized things that I regretted, I replayed scenarios in my head constantly, able to recognize my role in things that I had formerly denied any responsibility, the way I had shifted blame on why that quasi-unrequited romance had ended so poorly for me and how I had blamed him for it all but the pandemic gave me the time to confront who I was, to recast myself as partially to blame. I became a stronger writer, and I must admit that I’ve regressed since then. Perhaps I haven’t been reading enough, but I think I also fell too deep into a depression where creativity had no chance of surviving. It went to a place to desiccate and wane.

I have wanted to write to take inventory of my life, to right my passage as I’ve been sailing. I think… that personal finance videos have actually been toxic to my psyche but I was ignoring this fact because I wanted to be responsible, I wanted control over my finances. I felt competitive with people, I wanted to save just as much, if not more than them. I wanted to have a higher net worth, I wanted to be more on track. I suppose I am on track, but certainly leaving the workforce for two years is trying. I had also put so much money into grad school so that I wouldn’t graduate laden in debt. I shouldn’t buy any more clothes, really. I just bought a sweater on eBay that’s discontinued and I already have two of them, but they’re amazing quality. But I feel guilty about stuff like that.

There’s a job I am considering applying for, because it was the job that I had turned down two years ago and had regretted it. I really do think things would have turned out differently if I had taken that job offer. I think I would have gotten a full-time offer there, and I would have really enjoyed working there. But alas, I didn’t. But I also do feel like that was God’s plan, because I met my boyfriend there. It was the light at the end of a very dark personal tunnel. I have been thinking about whether I should try to invest like a year into my job and ‘give back’ in a way, before looking for another job. I could get paid more elsewhere, but I also don’t really know what I want out of my life. Like I want to learn, I want to challenge myself, I want to make good money. I think I’ve fallen into step with wanting to advance the career ladder and maybe become a manager someday. But I guess… I’m not impatient on the timeline. But I feel anxious by proxy of comparison.

ten minute thoughts before i go to bed

there are many times when i think of things i must do, that i should do, and then the thought fades, never to be revisited until another few days later. i had been planning to think through what i wanted to talk about in therapy tomorrow. i haven’t seen my therapist in two weeks, you would think i have a lot to say. i think i do… thoughts in my head always swirl, mix into this sludge that i find myself having so much trouble navigating.

i was checking in on a lot of people today i haven’t checked in on. instagram profiles, facebook profiles, linkedins, wedding registries, wedding websites. really anything i could get my hands on. what are people up to? how do i compare to that? I did this survey today as part of my volunteering group’s training on what my saboteurs are and i knew there would certainly be rich information to be gleaned there. i am anxious about everything. the sky really is falling and it could collapse any minute in my mind. i am… i haven’t always lived this way, but i think when i’m not living this way, then i am acting out. and if i’m bored, i am acting out. and when the sky isn’t falling, i am suspicious. i am too hopeful.

i have been… thinking a lot about my career, about my finances, about my weight, about my friends. doomsday clock keeper, part time. i had an informational interview this week along with my performance review. things went fine, i asked for a new project that feels really complicated but maybe i am not giving myself enough credit on how much i can learn and develop on it. I saw D is leaving his job for another one, and he was only at his last job for 5 months, and it makes me think if I am afraid of leaving, if I am not putting my career first or something. I have been mulling over applying to a job where I think there’s a really good culture fit and I’m sure I would enjoy the work, but I think my current workplace could really use my help and that’s what keeps me there. I am… I feel this way with my boyfriend too. I feel like he needs me sometimes largely for emotional support and companionship, and I have a really hard time finding the line between what cross my lines and what is selfish. I think why I wrestle with this problem is because I don’t know how to feel shame so I lack a lot of internal controls for decision-making. There are times when I could just as easily choose one thing over another decision, but I try to do what is socially expected of me and not what my own moral compass tells me to do, because I’m truly indifferent. And it makes it hard for me to triangulate what is supposed to be the acceptable action. I don’t ever feel guilty for how I feel inside, but I care a lot about others’ well-being, especially people who have never wronged me and who are marginalized. I have a lot of compassion for them. I am… maybe not as anti-social as I thought I would be, but I still notice elements of that in my personality. I internally never judge myself for my decision-making in terms of whether it was morally right or wrong, because I see no issue with doing something that is morally wrong.

I have been conflicted over my finances. My desire and drive to save as much as I can, which is largely out of competitiveness with personal finance YouTubers that I consider myself similar to. And feeling less stressed and unhappy. I think trying to be super strict with my budget was leading me into a deep depression. I want control, power over what I create. I have felt defeated. Tired. I should go to bed.

i didn’t buy the glossier haloscope

i didn’t buy the glossier haloscope or the pro tip eyeliner. or even the laneige lip balm, which i will someday need to replace. i wasn’t sure I would use it by black friday, and that’s how i measure everything: by whether i’ll need to replenish it by november. i’ve gotten better at it: budgeting. spending on what’s necessary and not on who i could be. i used to do that so much, tried to gauge who i was by who i wasn’t, who i could be, but never who i was at the moment. i know what my personal style is, i don’t get swayed by trends. i have a good idea what looks good on me and what doesn’t, and what is a good deal and worth buying (i have occasions where i could wear something, i see it flattering my body shape and skin color), and what is a good deal and has no business being in my closet.

i’ve been obsessively following this guy on reddit whose life story seems to unfold on reddit. i know a lot about him over what he’s shared: i know what city he lives in, i know his name, that he used to work at starbucks and at a marketing agency and then for the city government. he has a girlfriend and it’s his first relationship. he’s extremely insecure, i clocked that immediately. because he was on reddit asking about what is a good salary, sharing feedback he had gotten from a job interview where they told him he didn’t seem confident, in getting relationship advice about trying to read his girlfriend’s mind and how much she might like him. i was intrigued by this person and i’ve started asking myself why. is it really the messiness of it all? the schadenfreude (this is a reach since I don’t know him and he’s never wronged me)? watching a story unfold? i suppose as i thought about it, it had to do with the misplaced entitlement that unnerved me: he thought he was too good for his job, should be making more money, etc. but didn’t seem to justify any of that other than saying that he deserved it. they feel like incomplete thoughts, like he’s come to a conclusion without really thinking through how he justified arriving there. he lacks self-reflection, self-awareness, he is scared to see himself for how others see him, let alone accept it. he thinks he is worthy, that he is great, but others don’t treat him that way, and he doesn’t interrogate why. and that’s hard. it’s a hard thing to do, but you have to do it. i guess he doesn’t know how to manage the feeling of shame, of confronting feeling of inadequacy. maybe why i’m drawn to this user is because i see parts of myself in him and i hate it. i am afraid of confronting my own inadequacy and accepting it. i acknowledge it: i don’t get an interview for a job, i don’t know how to do something, i didn’t get promoted, i didn’t get the job when i interviewed for it. i get frustrated, sad, defeated sometimes, but often, i keep the card in my pocket and pretend it doesn’t bother me when it does. it’s uncomfortable, but i think it’s helpful for me to think through what role i played in it and how i can do better.

i can see that this guy shifts blame, he doesn’t take accountability but also can’t see himself for who he is, and needs external validation to do that. that’s why he goes around reddit not asking for advice, but people to agree with him, to give him answers, to tell him how to do things that he needs to figure out himself. should he take this job? how do other people feel about a situation? to help him justify how he also feels about it. i think in ways maybe he has covert narcissistic personality disorder where he really has an inflated sense of self and is resistant to change, but is really insecure underneath all of it and unable to face it. i mean what would i know…. i dated a guy like that!

well anyway, i’ve only spent $30 on clothes this year and they were a pair of suede shorts that were 95% off, and they’re INCREDIBLE quality. a huge win! And I had dinner with one of my friends tonight, and we shared a wonderful meal even though I was allergic to the dish that I had really wanted to order. But they had a table available immediately, and it’s a quite popular restaurant, so I feel grateful for that! Anyway, I have also reflected on how I have mental episodes occasionally, how I “act out” when I feel like I am not getting my way and I don’t even notice it, really. It’s a series of things, it’s a pattern. I don’t really know why. It doesn’t happen a lot, but it happened when I was in my undergrad degree, when I was in my last job. I was trying to act out, to rile people up, to piss people off. and i did! and there were consequences to it. there always are. but i don’t really know why i do it. i can’t even control it because i can’t even tell i’m doing it. it’s like i’m lucid but i’m also being lured to that state, like a magnet pulling me into my hysteria.

this year, i should probably buy a new pair of shoes that are work appropriate and casual. my heels are too high, they don’t fit me (they slip off). perhaps i need to buy new pads but i’m not sure. i also only have my alexander gabi boots as black boots, and one of the issues is that they’re too tight for my wide feet. that’s always been my problem. before the pandemic, i used to wear flats, but hardly anyone wears flats anymore. now, people wear those platform leather dress shoes, or chunky boots, or ankle boots with the skinny ankle. who knows. i want to find something that i like. i like to think about how i was never someone who submitted to trends, although why i was that way, i can’t tell you. i mean, even abercrombie for example. like i still liked abercrombie even when it was going out of style… i just believed in it! well, my stocks are paying off now 🙂

toots!

ten minute thought deciphering the puzzle that is my life

i went for a run this morning and thought about what i wanted to talk about in therapy today. i feel like certain things are falling into place, largely because i feel much more at peace when I’m checking things off. I sold something on Poshmark and dropped it off. I went for a run this morning, got a cappuccino, didn’t put milk in it. small wins. i’ve thought about how i am less articulate, like my brain has been wrung dry, and i really notice it in my writing. i notice it in my reading pace, in what has preoccupied my mind, in my ability and energy to self-reflect, in my schedule, in the way that i fill my days.

i have very high financial anxiety for no reason. i don’t know why. i mean, i know why but it doesn’t totally make sense. i am always doomsday prepping. what if? what if everything is bad? what if everything unravels? because you see, my relationship with someone unraveled terribly. it took me 8 months to start a job (technically even longer since i had been look for a job for about 12 months). sure, i “survived” it, because i’m still in one piece now. but i didn’t really survive it unscathed. i have fallen into bouts of severe depression. i’ve remarked on how i haven’t seen certain friends in a long time, have had a hard time keeping in touch with people, not really wanting to engage. a lot of the anxieties i have now i did not have 12 months ago. I am anxious about money because I didn’t have a job for 8 months, not because I feel grateful to have survived that period. That was truly hell. I guess… I say this because I am supposed to feel grateful, that things are “not that bad”. I mean, I’m alive. I have a place to sleep. I have a roof over my head. I have a loving boyfriend. But… I don’t feel secure. I feel like I do things to prepare for the worst. I mean, I even bought a carbon monoxide detector last night. I also do a lot of things to save money. I walk everywhere, I bike if appropriate, I don’t really eat out, don’t really spend money on experiences, because then I will save less and that means I am less prepared for the future. I am not doing well at all.

My depressive episodes from just before my period have gotten more intense, much worse. I have gained weight, which has been even worse for me, because it’s sparked this new way to worry. I don’t know if living with L would solve these issues. Like I’m not sure if spending $2000 on rent would be a good idea, because I might actually have a breakdown if I have to pay more rent. I am already cutting it close. I feel guilty going on vacation. I am trying to keep myself accountable to spending only $1100 on all expenses apart from rent, and it feels like an impossible task. Therapy already is about $200 a month, and my student loan payments are $170. So I’m left with like $700 for food and entertainment and personal items. I feel that I need to make up for those 8 months where I didn’t earn much, couldn’t put money away for retirement, couldn’t pay off my student loans, and now I must catch up. I basically “loaned” myself savings to pay for my life while I was underemployed, and now I must make it all back. It’s hard. It is painful. It is so stressful. Not making enough money and not having a full-time job was one of the worst things that my mind has had to endure. It has made me so depressed.