the creeping panic

lately, i’ve been silently panicking and i really need to write this. so many things have been bothering me and i want to address them, but i need to write in order to think clearly, to figure out my course of action.

  1. As i’m typing, my computer is flashing technicolor so i suppose one thing to add to this notorious and budding to-do list is to buy a new computer and perhaps a new phone. i’ve had my laptop since 2010 and it has been trusty, though numerous bugs have appeared where things always flash or my caps lock doesn’t work properly (you can’t undo caps lock unless you click shift).  my phone, i’ve had since 2013.  i don’t want programs with licenses to expire.  but that’s going to net me a good $2000 or something to get my laptop and phone replaced.
  2. I need to save money for something next year and I’ve got a pretty long way to go.  I need to eat out less, refrain from buying clothes as much (anyway, I don’t really need more dresses and I’ve got 13 already), refrain from buying more candles, etc.  It’s been so hard doing this.  I’ve got to try harder.
  3. I’ve done a decent job cleaning my closet in terms of trading my old clothes for other useful things, or trying to sell them online.  I don’t know how it will go.  I’ve also been trying to declutter by trying to use up .  I’m giving my extra pair of Hunter boots to one of my best friends, so it will be her going away to school present and will also free up some space in my house.
  4. I want to travel. I think I need to get out of here.  But what’s stopping me is this need to save money. so should i do more short trips? Do I go to europe anyway?

something made me search your name today

whatever provoked me probably laces its fingers with fate

and now i know you’ll be off doing great things abroad

strolling along the clean, kept path to become the person you’ve known forever that you’ll be

and maybe you’ll see my running haphazardly in the grass far away but close enough to be visible

and one day i’ll run farther than you

maybe it’ll take me a little longer

because my path is winding, messy, sand-ridden and uncharted

but i hope it’ll go past you to somewhere you haven’t dared venture

and only in hindsight will you wish you had.