there are many times when i think of things i must do, that i should do, and then the thought fades, never to be revisited until another few days later. i had been planning to think through what i wanted to talk about in therapy tomorrow. i haven’t seen my therapist in two weeks, you would think i have a lot to say. i think i do… thoughts in my head always swirl, mix into this sludge that i find myself having so much trouble navigating.
i was checking in on a lot of people today i haven’t checked in on. instagram profiles, facebook profiles, linkedins, wedding registries, wedding websites. really anything i could get my hands on. what are people up to? how do i compare to that? I did this survey today as part of my volunteering group’s training on what my saboteurs are and i knew there would certainly be rich information to be gleaned there. i am anxious about everything. the sky really is falling and it could collapse any minute in my mind. i am… i haven’t always lived this way, but i think when i’m not living this way, then i am acting out. and if i’m bored, i am acting out. and when the sky isn’t falling, i am suspicious. i am too hopeful.
i have been… thinking a lot about my career, about my finances, about my weight, about my friends. doomsday clock keeper, part time. i had an informational interview this week along with my performance review. things went fine, i asked for a new project that feels really complicated but maybe i am not giving myself enough credit on how much i can learn and develop on it. I saw D is leaving his job for another one, and he was only at his last job for 5 months, and it makes me think if I am afraid of leaving, if I am not putting my career first or something. I have been mulling over applying to a job where I think there’s a really good culture fit and I’m sure I would enjoy the work, but I think my current workplace could really use my help and that’s what keeps me there. I am… I feel this way with my boyfriend too. I feel like he needs me sometimes largely for emotional support and companionship, and I have a really hard time finding the line between what cross my lines and what is selfish. I think why I wrestle with this problem is because I don’t know how to feel shame so I lack a lot of internal controls for decision-making. There are times when I could just as easily choose one thing over another decision, but I try to do what is socially expected of me and not what my own moral compass tells me to do, because I’m truly indifferent. And it makes it hard for me to triangulate what is supposed to be the acceptable action. I don’t ever feel guilty for how I feel inside, but I care a lot about others’ well-being, especially people who have never wronged me and who are marginalized. I have a lot of compassion for them. I am… maybe not as anti-social as I thought I would be, but I still notice elements of that in my personality. I internally never judge myself for my decision-making in terms of whether it was morally right or wrong, because I see no issue with doing something that is morally wrong.
I have been conflicted over my finances. My desire and drive to save as much as I can, which is largely out of competitiveness with personal finance YouTubers that I consider myself similar to. And feeling less stressed and unhappy. I think trying to be super strict with my budget was leading me into a deep depression. I want control, power over what I create. I have felt defeated. Tired. I should go to bed.
tenminutethoughts 