june 10

i haven’t posted for a long time. sometimes i’m wary of who might read these musings that are too dangerously close to my heart.

too many things have happened that almost can’t control all of it.  i think part of my determination to rise above the mundane had prompted me to take on a million commitments.  there are so many things i want to do. so many things i’m supposed to do. not enough time. i’ve done a lot though. not much to show for it though.

  1. i am still running. i run regularly. it’s funny because i find it so easy to take the first steps, to keep going. i find it therapeutic. i like it. i crave it sometimes. it tires me out but sometimes i need that. to stop thinking for a second. to breathe.
  2. i haven’t been sleeping too much. i started going to bed late once my job kept me up late. i should try to sleep earlier. i feel like i’m falling back on bad patterns.
  3. i go online shopping very frequently. at least, window online shopping. i find that i do this when i’m stressed. huh. so i guess i’m more stressed than i realize. my body knows.
  4. there’s this guy. (isn’t there always?)  but i’m not sure what to think of him. there were some things that he said to me that make me think he is malicious, that he doesn’t mean well but he acts well, so what could i possibly say to anyone who would believe me? everyone thinks he’s a good guy, people have said he’s a better person than i am (that’s probably true).  nobody has one bad thing to say about him; he is a stand up guy. that’s the first thing that comes to mind. but… if he meant what he had said to me a few weeks ago, i wouldn’t be so sure anymore. are there many people who are deceptive? it would just be so low. but i can’t bring it up without seeming confrontational.
  5. i signed up to volunteer. i also have a million things i would like to volunteer for. there’s lole white tour. that would be cool.
  6. i started writing by hand for a while. every once in a while. i like it. but sometimes i get too tired to write in it.
  7. i bike. less than before. but i bike. but i think biking doesn’t make me lose weight so i’m opting away from it.
  8. i still pay for my gym membership; i pay an exorbitant amount of money to go. now i can’t even fathom running outside. odd?
  9. i’m trying to piece this thing together but i don’t have time. i have supportive friends willing to help, but it’s a matter of time and effort. i hate the idea of having to sit in a starbucks the entire weekend to complete my extracurricular tasks but maybe it has come to this.
  10. i am most productive when i am idle, and then i plateau when i’m busy. haha. it’s so true.
  11. what is my true calling?
  12. i started using instagram more. i should stop.
  13. i want to travel. the world. i don’t want to go alone anymore.
  14. i need to stop being so angry. it’s aging me.
  15. i am afraid of aging. just articulating what i have feared for a good number of years but did not want to put a name on it.
  16. i want to be skinny.
  17. i am so angry at the world right now.
  18. i should be more grateful.
  19. i love to read. i’ve been reading more.
  20. i need to seize the moment more. i need to breathe. i need to balance.
  21. i want to move out but i know it’s not possible.
  22. i have many bucket lists and summer lists and to-do lists and lists that i want to make, lists that i think i am worthy of being on.
  23. i’m learning more about myself. and that scares me.
  24. i am almost this age.
  25. i did not think it would come to this. i didn’t know what to expect. i don’t know what the future holds. i surprise myself. i amuse myself. i impress myself. i am in awe at my drive. i sympathise with things that i can’t seem to get right. i am sorry for my misfortunes. i want to be better.
  26. i need glasses.
  27. i went to a recital. i liked it. it was nostalgic. i love the arts.
  28. i want to start dancing again.
  29. i want to love my work.
  30. i want to appreciate my family more.