i wrote a while ago that i was afraid of certain things happening, and it turned out, it came true. i hadn’t really thought it would, thought it a dramatic throwaway thought. yet here we are, almost five months after everything burned and i have arrived at the sentiment of resentment. i have a lot to resent even though i know it’s unhealthy. i resent all the time i wasted. i resent that it has ruined future relationships because i still haven’t healed. i resent how i was treated and how he got away with it. because he was always going to get away with it in the sense that there was no punishment i could have given him that would have matched the magnitude of hurt that i still feel even now. the sheer betrayal. i haven’t been able to get out of bed for the past few days. i just lay there and think about all the cruel things he’s done. i think back to when i arrived at the airport back to new york in october and how i imagined him picking up someone else from the airport, and how he did that for her but never for me. and how at lion’s head he had kissed his girlfriend at the time and how he looked at her even though he said he didn’t want to be in that relationship, and how i never got that treatment, that false reality even if it were fake. resent, resent, resent. i resent how i was treated, how i was not enough. how when C told me today that Jimmy asked S’s roommate K for her number in front of the other C, she got upset, and how I understood how that felt. that if anything, i understand that feeling more than anything. how you’re disposable, how you’re in this no-man’s-land territory of not having the authority to say that’s uncool to flirt with someone else in front of you. how you wonder why you aren’t enough. why you’re never enough. because that was how he made me feel ALL the time. i think about how i am not sure about dating even now because i’m afraid that anything that resembled my past relationship will just be a giant red flag that it’s all a sham.
i resent how much i have had to work on myself and it’s still not done. i resent that i still take this situation personally, that i haven’t reached some higher level of nirvana or something where i’m unfazed. i want to be unfazed so bad. i want to move on from this and not have it affect me. but it does, because i am human, and i am a human who has been severely hurt. i went to five fucking months of weekly therapy talking about this situation. there is not a single appointment that passed where this incident was not brought up. i have journaled like a fucking INSANE person. and none of it has fully healed me. it’s been almost half a year. and it’s been unfair for my friends who have had to listen to me, had to deal with me through all of this. it’s been unfair for people i’m dating that i can’t put all my emotional being into a relationship because I am still resentful over this situation, I am still not over it. I am still in disbelief how someone could treat me like that, and how I could tell those exact words to their face, and there is some excuse, there is fake remorse, I am stonewalled. I am in utter disbelief. I am in pain. I am so resentful. I am so fucking resentful.
I am so fucking, so fucking resentful over what happened. i never used to get breakouts on my forehead and all over my face, and now they still haven’t gone away. new ones pop up like once the gate opened, it won’t close. the wound won’t close. the wound won’t fucking close. i am supposed to make peace with the fact from articles that he will never get to experience true love and that he will never feel fulfilled and i’m just supposed to make peace with accepting that fact! and it brings me absolutely no relief! i can’t settle for that. i haven’t gotten there yet. i could move across the world and it would not heal me, i don’t think it would. i sit here in my apartment and i think about how i didn’t go home for christmas because i would have been a burden for everyone, just fucking sulking all the time, crying all the time.i didn’t want to see anyone, i still don’t want to interact with anyone. i am exhausted from putting on this chipper mask and pretending i’m happy when i’m not. so i stayed here. and i am so sad. i could have gone home, and the scenery would have changed but i’d still feel so sad.
there is no antidote for resentment, is there? it’s not revenge. revenge doesn’t address resentment. the opposite of resentment is peace. peace with yourself. i am not there. i don’t know how to get there. i really don’t. i don’t get how i am supposed to make peace with this situation. even if i don’t tie my self-worth to this person (i’m slowly extricating myself), i feel so betrayed. i am not sure how i get over that. i cannot just “brush it off” or “shake it off”. is that what i have to do? I have never been betrayed to this scale. I sit with this resentment and I stew in it and wish I weren’t.
tenminutethoughts 