i can’t tell if it’s because it’s raining today or i am zooted on NyQuil from my cough that doesn’t seem to be getting better or i am sad. i mean, i AM sad. I don’t know why it got worse yesterday. this weird sadness. i spent part of this morning reading about whether narcissists think they’re good people and then i spiralled. all of it was true, all of it i can accept. like how they will blame you or some other external factor for everything that has happened. how they see themselves as good people. i kept thinking back to how i told him what he did to me was so similar to what he couldn’t forgive Jeffray for: a selfish act that people would disapprove of but it’s not a crime, but when you know that someone is going to be upset by those actions and you still go ahead and do it, then you are just cruel. and i thought we were friends.
even now, i think about whether or not he is sad. whether or not he feels injured. how he really feels about me not in terms of love but whether he hates me. and i don’t care if he does, but i want to know if he is suffering. i want to know that because i haven’t healed. i’m getting better but i haven’t made peace with the breakup. so many things i do are in light of what happened. i feel like i’m living this life of trying to overcome this rather than someone who has moved on and is living her life. i am acting the facsimile of it.
maybe i’m depressed i don’t know. i don’t know if i want to go home for christmas. i am scared for december and january in terms of looking for jobs. i really want to find one soon. i don’t have health insurance at the end of December. i think with some resentment about how he doesn’t have to worry about work authorization, about finding a job within a certain window. how he could never really accept or understand his privilege when it comes to having a family who cares for him even if he hates certain members of his family and how they are in a position to help him even if he didn’t have a job. and he resents that. he hates himself for it. and i realize now that nothing will train that out of him. i also know that he doesn’t have the will to change. i am not concerned that he would change for the next person. i mean, the beginning will always be nice. the seduction of it all. the “love-bombing”. i was going through old text messages and maybe that also did me in. before we were together. just… how nice he was. always trying to make plans. always trying to help.
and then this other side of him. the side that can’t take accountability when it mattered. the side that can’t step up when someone asks him to pull his weight. nah. he’s in it for a good time, not a long time, and he’ll even blame his depression and his “nature” for not wanting to commit. no, i am not concerned this person will change.
is this really the end? this is how it ends huh? I’ll never see him again or hear from him again. like some men before him, it will be tough. but time makes it easier. but this time, i walked away. i want vengeance that will never satisfy me. what? his deep unhappiness that he suffers all the time? that should make me feel better but it doesn’t. i think what i want is for him to try to reach out. so i can feel like i was the one that got away. that he regretted losing me as a friend even if he’s incapable of regretting what he did. that it ate away at him, that he felt the consequences of everything that he had undone even if it’s months after i felt them. i don’t know what it is about today but i just feel so fucking sad. i feel alone and the worst part is that it’s not him that i want, because i know that would be a let down, but to feel like i bore the brunt of the consequences of his cruelty. that i had to suffer. and what if he’s not suffering, you know? what if he’s chasing after happiness and highs that aren’t fulfilling but at least he doesn’t ever have to come to terms with that emptiness. i don’t know… like i have had to sit here and cry and mourn and wonder why my life is like this. why i lost a friend, why i wasted months wishing a boy would like me and thinking maybe he changed his mind, but never deluded that he did. only to find out that not only did he not want a relationship (which sucks but not the end of the word) but really couldn’t care less about me. really could watch me upset and then tell me that the other girl was coming to visit for labor day weekend and would it be okay if he picked her up from the airport, dropped her off at his apartment, came to our double date dinner, and then left afterwards? the audacity to rewrite history. the audacity to rewrite a joint history and claim the revisions as mutual.
sure, it’s easy to tell me that “wow. can’t you see? this person sucks! why would you want to be with them? why would you miss them? when you can list all these horrible things that they’ve done to you. all the cruel ways they’ve acted. all the manipulative things they’ve done?” but mixed in all of this are feelings, are song, are what i remember. mixed in all of this were glimpses of happiness, of having a friend to spend time with, of feeling optimistic about fate in my life. of the first time of feeling like the ground wasn’t going to collapse under me. of the few times that i thought maybe the universe was giving me a big break! that i really had been too pessimistic. that i really had been holding back and not trusting when i should have been living. of feeling for the first time that i wouldn’t want to be anyone but me right now. that i adored a boy and he liked spending time with me. he spent his time with me all summer and we were each other’s partners in crime. i felt like i had someone when i’ve never felt that in my entire life.
and so yes, there are so many shitty things but i also feel like i was robbed. and feeling robbed is not the same thing as betrayal. feeling robbed is of abrupt, permanent loss. feeling robbed of better times. i feel robbed of better times. i miss him because i invested in the promised land westward, i’d already started down the journey, and then i found out i was hoodwinked. but those months! of that adventure! even if it were all a ruse the feelings were genuine! I was happy don’t you get it?! I felt fulfilled. I felt like things were going to work out, fret not young girl who is weary of everything. I felt that i had been wrong. i wanted to believe in better things, in bigger things. i wanted to believe in love! i was so, so, SO excited for the fall semester.
and we are 3 months into it now, with a month to go. and the forest burned in august, i scorched earth at the end of august. no one really wanted to water or nurture or repair what was left. in october we let it die. and then october came and went. november came and went, and here we are on the last day of november. what a loss. what a tragedy. what a fucking tragedy. neither of us won. we both lost. i have always said that. but it offers me no comfort. i didn’t want to lose. i didn’t wnat him to lose. in that prisoner’s dilemma on the first day of august, i would have played for both of us to win. we were partners in crime. i believed that. i trusted him. but then he flipped over his card and he turned against me. and i was duped. i was fucking duped. i was so betrayed. and you can’t undo what you’ve done. so i flipped mine over and said we are both losing this huh?
and now we both went to the purgatory of heartbreak or something. we both have been leading lives pretending we’re going to get over this or that we’ve gotten over it. he chose her and i go back to……. black.
tenminutethoughts 