have i had a good thanksgiving? in ways it’s been good. i think i’ve felt this person leave my body more. i feel like i’m finally feeling like myself again. i’ve wondered how much i can trust my intuition more in a facetious way. like do i think he’s contacted me? like is my intuition that good to be able to tell. my body tells me nothing but i am amused nonetheless. let’s be clear, i am not hopeful on the prospect of that. i have no hopes of him coming around on that. i am not waiting for him to reach out. i think i’ve realized that at that point, then what? we would talk but about what? what hasn’t been said? oh, that he misses me? i had already told him when we broke up that i would miss him. i’ve said it once. i did! and i do! momentarily i do. but there’s not enough there to merit a full-fledged conversation. that he wishes we could be friends? he’s already said that multiple times. and i said i would reach out if i change my mind. and that’s why i’m not reaching out.

memories are the feelings that stay with you after everything is done. and what has been distilled is betrayal. it’s realizing that this person never had my back when i thought they did. that they didn’t have my best interests in mind, that they didn’t care about me. so how could i forgive someone for not caring about me? and giving them over a month to right that wrong and for them to not be able to do it? i went on the train yesterday to interrogate why i felt betrayed. if betrayal is what makes me unable to let go of this situation in the manner that i still think about him every day. it’s betrayal that he didn’t care about me. it’s not betrayal that he wasn’t loyal to me or that he didn’t love me. it’s betrayal that he didn’t care about hurting my feelings, of respecting me as a friend or if anything, someone who was a close friend. and fuck that.

i do have a hunch that this entire situation has hurt him. it’s hurt him because he lost a friend that he didn’t discard himself. that he has three women who hate him walking around this city. he lost all his friends in the divorce and he acts like it doesn’t bother him. but i hope it eats away at him every day. every day as the clock ticks and i don’t reach out to him, i hope it gnaws at him.

i have been having an okay thanksgiving weekend. i kind of wish i had just spent it alone. i realize i don’t like people visiting me in new york. i hate playing host. i don’t like spending money that i can’t afford to spend to try new restaurants or do touristy stuff. i just want to be at home and work on my projects and homework. because now it’s the eleventh hour and i’m scrambling to work on them.

i didn’t do any black friday shopping. there was no excitement to it. i am still emotionally drained from everything. i haven’t read any books. i am not in a fog as much. i still have a lot of trouble sleeping at night though. i wake up every morning with indigestion even though i don’t snack. it’s like my body is not relaxed, it can’t process anything i eat. he was kind of in my dreams last night. it’s been a while since he’s been in my dreams though he occupies so much space while i’m awake.

well i’m gonna call it an entry. peace.