why does it preoccupy everything? my mind? I can’t concentrate, can’t focus. all i do is worry about the wrong things. all i do is worry that i shouldn’t care but i do. and this is at odds with each other.
and then i think maybe i should end things. this torpedo that abruptly ends just as intensely as it started. i think it would hurt but at least i don’t suffer the way i do right now.
i think…. i am bored.
i think… i need to get out.
i think… i need to meet new people.
i think… i have started constructing the skyscrapers already in my city of dreams. you know, the one where i meander the streets happy in my sundress. my mind has already signed the zoning permits so i don’t want to stop building. but like i said before, it’s knowing that this city will crumble and we are only in Chapter 1. It’s knowing that this one will become ruins, perhaps not dilapidated or deserted because it can count on me to revisit it. To turn over every piece of rubble like I did with the other one, to look for clues of where I went wrong instead of what I should have done to begin with: raised my head, looked in the mirror, accepted that I built this city up, built this man up in my head and that’s where he lives, in my head. So why do I get disappointed when the one in my head doesn’t act the way I want him to do.
I am funny. I am hilarious.
I am human and I am hard on myself for sneering at that. I am my worst critic and my weakest link. I am always mourning something. Always impatient for a rebirth even when nothing is ready.
I’m always ready for closure because I mix that up with salvation. All I want is fulfillment and missing that, yearning that, eats away at me.
I guess I miss home. I guess I miss the comforts of the streets even if they are humid. At least they’re cleaner than here. At least my mind didn’t wander the way it does here. At least I felt good enough for the most part there in my little pond. Here, I am still learning the rules.
Here, the possibilities are endless. Here, I’ve found possibility. Here, I’ve been afraid to gamble. That was my first mistake. I just didn’t know it at the time.
tenminutethoughts 