i have 10 minutes until office hours start so the timing is maybe serendipitous. ok perhaps that’s the wrong word. the timing is just right.
i have thought a lot about what timing is right. i frantically applied for all sorts of internships in december and then felt dejected and despondent since i hadn’t heard from any place. and then i had a whirlwind of a week with interviews, and i got a definitive rejection from one of them, and the other i think the recruiter and i both knew that the role wasn’t the right fit with what i wanted to do and what tasks they were looking for a student to help them do. and then the interview this morning didn’t go swell though in a way i knew the writing was on the wall as i stumbled through the answers. i like technical questions. really puts you on the spot though i know i have so much more to prepare for to really do a good job, to really understand and anticipate what they’ll ask me. it burns… the feeling of defeat. but i also don’t think they were the right roles, you know?
and there is one internship that i would really like but is it good to manifest? is it corny? will we grasp at straws, hail hope in our most crucial moments? i would like that place. i think i really would. i really want it to work out. would, wood. same thing some say. it hasn’t been an uncontrollable sense of anxiety and overwhelm but as time ticks, will i wonder that? i hope i’m good to myself, i hope life is good to me, and i am good to life. i hope life takes care of my family, i hope that i can grow as a person. i can be stronger, more resilient, more sure of myself. more confident in what i’m capable of and able to close the deal. i always struggled with interviews when i was younger but it’s hard to discount that i’ve changed in the eight years since then. i have so many amusing anecdotes of interview foibles but i’m older now, i know what not to do. can i seal the deal? can i get the offer?
i have this dream of what i’d like to do and the person i’d like to work to become if i can perhaps secure an internship soon. at least i won’t have that hovering over my head and i can focus on making quality friendships, really investing in myself and i can save what i am slowly spoiling in terms of an incredible opportunity to explore new york, to really live in it, something i haven’t really done because i’m so focused on the next goal. and i know life is what happens when you’re busy making plans, but you know, old habits die hard. i’ve only walked at a certain tempo and i’ll inevitably stumble the first steps that go faster, that become livelier.
i’m not sure if i’ve been less hard on myself. i know that i’ve done my best given the circumstances, but now that i do know what i didn’t know before, it feels like there is an onus to get better at that, to plug the holes, make it all smooth and shiny. it’s a clean product, they say.
i suppose i’m almost out of time on this 10 minute rant so maybe i’ll end with this. I can do it. I can secure that internship. I can only be myself, and I can be the most prepared version of myself. I can make things happen for myself, because I do. I persevere. That’s something I could never not give myself credit for. I persevere. I succeed. I winnow, I poke, I pry, and that one step becomes a jog, becomes a run all around the larger path of Central Park. I can do it.
Much love. //xx
tenminutethoughts 