here we goOO!! i was driving today and i knew i had to write, it was bursting in me. i passed by that second floor restaurant that we had gone to, the group of us, for your farewell. you know i never had a farewell party right? i liked it that way. i get a little bit alone sometimes and i miss you again.
it was beautiful today, a little chilly, and i thought i saw you everywhere. but the feelings are different. more muddled. i’m not angry, maybe more indifferent. so much time has passed. i often think about how little i’ve changed in terms of my tastes, the things that make me tick, and then i find it hard to conceive how time has flown by. i’ve changed. i’ve had to change. people were calling me out for it. i couldn’t keep up my shtick. i talked to one of my friends from university today and i can’t help but feel we are so different but no so different that i feel like we have nothing in common. well we have little in common but we’re still friends. but i guess i look through a different lens now. i am less aloof, maybe i fear that i am less happy-go-lucky and that scares me. because i like my brand, i like what i represent even if it defies all logic. today i am at the cusp of finishing my article. i am trying to tie up loose ends, create new to-do lists. i am a bit stressed i suppose… about the future and the unknown. and also about the upcoming near future and what i have in store. i think i am going to school for better reasons than the ones that i started with. i think i am more willing to forgive myself for making the same mistakes. i have had to strip myself of the person that i want to be because i realize now that it was impossible, unattainable. i see so many of my classmates moving up the career ladder and i don’t envy their jobs but i wonder what will become of me… i don’t know what i want in that case. life is moving on and i am holding on. it’s time to stop putting my life on pause but i am terrified of hitting Go. i know that it will whip by, i know that finances will be strained, i know that i will feel very alone in a big city. and what is that if not living my life in the moment? isn’t this what i wanted? isn’t it better than what I have now, despite all its comfort and predictability, i am a shell of myself, shadow person. i am waiting to breathe life and here i hold the cup and i’m afraid to drink. you know, you messed me up but you are not at fault. i put you on a pedestal like all the other ones before but i hate, hate, hate admitting that. you are someone that i resent but only to a small degree. any bigger than i’m being emotional, irrational, and i’m not saying that out of sarcasm. it would be true.
the man from the podcast watches sunrises without me and i dream. i breathe and wonder if i will ever be there with him looking at the same sunrise. it must be beautiful there. you know, the place i’m moving. i’m excited. so scared but so excited that i fear everything. i fear how happy i could be maybe. i fear how much i could change my life because there are no guarantees and there is nothing i can fall back on in a certain way.
tenminutethoughts 