i haven’t been able to concentrate much, a few things haven’t gone as I’d hoped, and it’s thrown things off kilter
been reflecting a lot on the past couple years and where i am now and where i want to go
haven’t felt like talking to many people, sometimes i feel like i’ve forgotten how to speak. i think i empathize with Raskolnikov in Crime & Punishment; is that something I shouldn’t even admit?
is this what the next chapter feels like?
what do i ever want to do? how come i have no idea what is in store for me over the next 10 years? even the next 5?
who will i meet in the future? is that future coming up soon?
why do I still think about him sometimes? it’s been so long
how does the state of my potential (in its rise or fall) fit into my yearnings, my frustrations, my goals?
am i still bitter? am i never not bitter?
the next couple months will be strange.
why can’t i be better when i recognize where i’ve fallen short? i’m selfish, self-interested. i am conflicted, embattled. i’ve forgotten words, perhaps from the lack of using them. i’m going far away very soon but for a very brief time, and i don’t know how i feel about it. i guess i feel anxious, i’m not sure how to process it… i don’t how to make myself feel less guilty about it. i don’t know how to balance this need to relax with this stress of doing everything.