you want a post? i’ll write you a post

won’t be a love song, won’t be a book, won’t even be a poem this time, because i am so exhausted running this pony show in a circle.  how am i still here? how am i still fucking here? is it me?  is it just me? or is there some fate that is telling me to wait? because i have no fucking clue what i’m doing anymore.  you’re still on my mind. one moment i’ve forgotten about you, and the next it’s like i haven’t repented enough.  that the sins of my rebellious youth haven’t had their dues paid to the gods and i’m still here, sitting here, writing here, haven’t moved on, haven’t moved forward, but yet i so so so want to. why is this happening? seriously? everyone says i deserve better but maybe i don’t think i do… i don’t know.  and given the current state of political unrest, in this era of fear, of hopelessness, of autocratic towers, broken bridges, and luxury bunkers for sale, please don’t let it end like this.

thankful for my health, my family, my family’s health, that nothing has made me shatter yet even though i have broken. i want to be happy. is this happiness? is happiness fleeting like this? is it like some promise you make but never kept? is it like how he came into my life and seven months later he had left without all the fixings, all the goodbyes. just left and hugged me and wished me the best. can’t fend for myself. god, i hate how things ended. hated how i handled it. i don’t think i could have handled it better without hindsight.

didn’t have to untangle you like a web to get out like the last boy, but man this is painful. this recovery is painful. this mending, this healing is painful. because i can’t even resent you. just hate myself this time. wandering around this city in heels with missing pieces to match my heart. listening to the same poems about heartbreak to croon my own in my head. reading journals, reading books, reading reading reading.  listening to the noise, to the music, reliving my heart getting pulled out of my body every time. everytime i hear that song i grimace. because the song is so sad and it reminds me of you and that makes me sad. and the fact that it’s been so long and i’m still not okay is so sad. and i just wish you were around again. thought i wanted closure but it’s not the ending i wanted. so now i’m naive, i’m difficult, i’m bound to fail.  just want to feel myself in your arms. why is that so much to ask in a world with much bigger injustices?